Day Ninety-Two: Absurdities

We ain’t ever getting older

I don’t trust you.  Probably the worst words that you can hear about yourself, or someone you love.  My mother has now said it about M and today about me.  It’s true, I have left her without keys to get into the house twice now in one week, probably even just a few days.  Y also said it about M.  And yet, I have been preoccupied, probably for most of my life.  I’m thinking about my writing, philosophizing with myself for most of my conscious existence.  I am thinking about how everything in my experience networks with everything else, and how we can find balance in our shared existence.  I am thinking about all of the untrustworthy things that I’ve committed and how these things have disturbed the balance.  I am creating vibrations that jar the vibrations of other areas by colliding in different ways with the different vibrations in existence. 

By spending so much time with my mother, I am naturally synching my vibrations with hers.  I have tried to influence her with the best of what I have to give, but she is naturally the stronger being, having age and experience beyond my own – at least of the ego-driven variety – and I tend to demure to her, making my vibrations demure to hers.  This means that she will take out the anger and disappointment that she feels in herself on me, who is naturally a reflection of herself.  I can respect that this is ok and she needs to do this while I try to change her by growing my own strength of vibrations.  But I think I may also need distance so that I can grow this strength on my own.  I’m not sure. I’ve been trying the other way, doing what I need to grow in her midst, but she likes to stomp around on me, still a seedling at age 33.  I think that I am getting so much stronger in each incarnation and her stomps are affecting me less and less.  Soon, I will be a flower.  I love trees, I just happen to be the type that likes to draw people into the obvious beauty of the world.

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