Day Sixty-Eight: Greed

I am going to go out of my mind.  I have been having the most incredible sexual connection with a friend and I can barely describe this feeling now, which is one of absolute satisfaction and immense yearning.  We are not in love in the conventional relationship way, although we both love each other as friends.  But the feeling of being in his arms and having him inside me is pure ecstasy and I don’t know what to do with the abundance of energy that is stirring inside me as a result.

I realize how crude of a subject this is, but I need to get it off my chest for the reason that I am confused about how I feel with the energy.  I feel as though I am on a pendulum, swinging intensely back and forth between focus and distraction.  Because I keep going back and forth, I feel a deep sense of parting, no matter which side of the spectrum I am on.  I wonder if this is how anyone feels that is in a purely sexual relationship, or perhaps any scenario where we have an accumulation of energy in one center?

Both of us have our lives on the side.  I suppose that each of us can live in this way, where we can be true to our needs and pursue our highest of wills, which will inevitably include a diverse array of sources and outlets from/to which we achieve our ends.  As long as we do what we do with integrity, never trying to making something where nothing belongs, then is it possible that we can find balance in this push and pull momentum that is life?

As above, so below is the great tenet of Thelema (and many more ancient religions).  Can we take this another step and say as within, so without?  If I accept the energy that I receive and allow myself to swing away from from the source with the momentum of life with gratitude, will I be able to more easily accept what I receive when I swing back towards it?  And will my gratitude allow me to share this energy with the outlets that I meet as a result?  Meditation tells me yes, yet my physical reality aches with guilt.

As Shakespeare’s character Rosalind asks: “Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?”  I must take my own advice and accept, receive and be grateful, not wanting for more when there is none to be had, but accepting again when it is time.  This is the lesson of meditation that I find the most difficult to learn.  I am greedy and I want to transubstantiate this into grateful, so that I may unload this beautiful energy before it festers within me.

I am thankful for my teacher for bringing this lesson to me.


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