My dearest sister,
Every time I speak to you, I have something new to say; some new opinion I’ve claimed along the way. I thought that I could be casual with my sexuality. It turns out, it just isn’t me. It feels fake and obvious to me now that I need to be drunk to feel casual about it. In either form, there is the inevitable guilt, anyways. Drunkenly, I guess it’s easier to take.
I have thought and tried repeatedly to casually sleep wth friends. The awkwardness the next day appears to be unavoidable, regardless of previous comfort levels. I don’t know how to deal with awkwardness well. I either act out, or I get out. It takes me building up a lot of nerve to do something awkward, unless it is a selfless act, and then I have no problems. But as soon as I have a motive in mind, the guilty version of awkwardness kicks in, and that’s the hard one to deal with.
I went to my friend’s house and he was obviously really busy and tired and yet, I still stayed, feeling too awkward to leave since I was already there, but also still keen to get some. And get some, I did, so much so that he woke up in the morning stiff and sore, having another busy day ahead of him. I feel badly about it, because as good as it was, I don’t know that it was necessary or even very fulfilling – for either of us. Orgasms – even if there was 30 of them or whatever, are fleeting and can be accomplished autonomously (although perhaps I wouldn’t indulge myself to that extent). What was lacking, though, was the loving factor, which is the most important of the sutras. And I do love him as a friend and fellow life force, but we share no loving passion for one another.’
As much passion as there can be in a sexual encounter, it feels empty without that absolute need for one another. Even if that need only lasts for a short while, he and I don’t have it for each other, so I feel guilty for taking what I didn’t need. I’d rather exert my energy on the love that I do need from him – the friendship that I think we both need from each other. It would be an awkward shame if we lost that. In a village so small, it is special to find our tribe – the ones who you look forward to sharing your time with. And now I feel like I need to have a break from him, which was never my intention. I’m not even waiting to hear what he thinks about it – I know that he feels the same way, just that his gut reactions might be different.
One thing that would change my perspective would be if he told me that he liked me enough to try to be in a relationship, but for now that doesn’t seem likely; so, I’m not confused. Yet… I am a woman, and still liable to fall into the emotions trap. It doesn’t seem like I will, but I am cognizant that I am susceptible.
There is a coldness to me recently. Maybe it’s been there since I turned 30 and broke up with my ex; maybe it’s been there since forever. I told myself that I would wait until I find my next passionate love before my next encounter, and yet somehow I keep going back to the passionate fuck. I love sex so much that it’s hard to focus on the lack of fulfillment it gives on its own, craving the instant gratification instead. In the moment, there is nothing more than I want than to be fulfilled. If I could be stuffed in every orifice at once, I think that level of pleasure would break my resolve to fight enlightened love for good, and I would finally stick to the instant physical gratification.
Essentially, I recognize that I’m not ready to be loved like I need. I don’t yet feel that I am myself. I reckon that i’m close and that I’m being tested by the universe (aka myself) to see how much I really want to change, or if I park right here in my comfort zone. I still want to work at it to get into my peak flow zone, where I can give and accept love unabashedly.
I love you without limits, and I know that you feel the same. If I only I could translate that love to another, I’d be on my way. Help me with your wise words.