Day Forty-Five: Programming

I was pretty bummed out this morning.  Finding out that people don’t like you is hard.  I’m not really sure what I do that people don’t like – I can get a bit drunk but I try not to be an asshole about it and I don’t think that I’m mean to people ever.  If anything, I’m overly nice.  Maybe that’s what people don’t like – smiling, laughing, positive people.  I tell funny stories and I have a lot of facts.  I also know how to listen and I make eye contact.  I am open to new conversation topics and literally almost any adventures, and I think that I have fairly decent taste in music.  But more and more often, I am learning that people don’t like me.  I don’t think that they hate me for the most part, but have a general distaste.

What happens when we learn this but don’t know the reason for it?  I guess I do know the reasons, cause I’ve done some pretty asshole things in my life, but these new people in my life don’t all know that.  Maybe it’s something in my aura that is residual of those bad misdeeds, or my continual bad choices like occasionally drinking and smoking.  I think I need to do an aural cleansing and at least give up on my bad habits.  Consciousness does not automatically equal action because I have told myself this many times and I’ve been trying to get off the carousel of bad choices.  It’s so hard to quit and cutting down is even worse, especially when you start to define your social interactions with necessitating certain tools.  I watched my father be the same way before me and I clearly learned too much from him.  I have a cavalier attitude and people probably don’t all like that.  It’s a defense mechanism because really, I feel vulnerable around people and I have good reasons for feeling that way but sometimes to feel confident or even social, I gain strength by imbibing liquid courage.  It helps me open up and connect with the masses.

There are special people out there who I would never need to drink around to have the most gorgeous times.  One of those times was quite a few years ago, sitting in a bedroom with 3 other friends and having an intense conversation about aliens and conspiracies or something along those lines.  It was one of those sensational conversations where you feel like you are transcending your body and you feel the vibrations of interaction with life.  The four of us were totally connected. The room was small and square and a couple of us were sitting on the bed, the other two on a chair and a bean bag.  Suddenly, a glowing orb flew through the window into the room.  It was about the size of a small melon and was radiant but silent.  The orb took a slow lap around the room about the tops of our heads and casually went out through the wall.

All of our jaws dropped and we sat there unable to speak for a few seconds, searching in each others’ eyes.  “Oh my god did you see that!” We all saw the same thing and we couldn’t believe it.  Haha, no one believes us to this day, except, of course, for anyone who has had similar occurrences in their lives.  I have personally had a few supernatural encounters, each of which had a profound spiritual effect on my life.

This past weekend at Envision, a whole group of single women who travelled from all over the world found each other, centered around three of the most cleared-souled, beautiful men, who had arrived to the festival together.  I feel so blessed to have connected with these people and it has revived my hope in myself and what I have to give.  They helped me feel that my soul radiates positive energy.  Maybe I make some bad choices but I make a lot of good choices, too.

Despite my hacking cough due to cold, I went for a walk this morning up the hill to my river spot.  Dog friend came with me and he was so happy to be going a new route – he even went for his second walk with mum and the daily crew, looking all proud of himself.  Walking up the hill is so peaceful, with no other people around, only the animals and the mountain views.  It is a privilege to be alive and to be going through bad moments.  Meditating was sensational, with Zenek sitting keenly next to me.  I reckon he was meditating, too.  The sound of the water falling from it’s half meter height is like being in a space where you can feel every molecule surrounding you; like a world full of dots filling in all of the empty spaces.  I am one with everything, and as such, I will never be perfect until we all are.  I am a reflection of the world around me and I can’t be everything to everyone.  I am but a piece of a giant puzzle that connects with a few pieces and is distant from others.  But I am a part of the whole.  I matter.  But also, it’s up to me to be happy with myself and the way I am shaped.  Everyone’s got their own existential crisis to deal with and it’s best I step up and accept my placement.  I don’t want to be caught up in how I’m cut out – I want to do the best job of being me as I can.

Thank you for this life and thank you to everyone with whom I am connected.  I love all.

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