I’m a little bit sick with a cold at the moment and yesterday I was feeling particularly vulnerable. It takes a lot out of me to be writing from the heart every day and posting it online for anyone to see… and yet getting not much feedback in return, especially from the people who I love the most. I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing this for no one person, and yet there are times that my ego cries out for attention and I can’t seem to stop it. Luckily, meditation helps and these feelings don’t usually persist for longer than a day.
I’ve been thinking a lot about former loves, or rather men in my life who have had a strong impact on me who I continue to love from afar. I’ve had three of these – two bigger and one lesser. Each of them is in a significant stage in their lives with their partners – one just got married, another just had a baby, and the most recent one is about to get engaged. I don’t know this last one for certain because I don’t currently speak to any of them out of respect for their new lives, but I still have the latest one as a Facebook friend and I know him well enough to understand his thought processes. I’m not a creep and I don’t stalk people, but I saw that he was visiting his parents who live in another country and he was likely picking up his grandmother’s ring, which he had given me once for our own engagement.
I have been dreaming a lot about my ex-fiancee lately; having unconscious conversations with him about his new life that I am not able to have with him in person. It’s not that he would reject my phone calls or letters, but his new lady love wasn’t keen on us talking and I respect that. I wouldn’t trust me with anyone’s man, either, given my history as a cheater and a temptress. I have been trying to remedy these detriments to my character in the last year+ but these are flaws that I developed in my childhood and they are not so easy to erase.
The biggest issue for me about sharing online is that even if no human reads what I write, google and other algorithms are compiling my information into a personal profile of me regardless, assessing who I am based on the information that I willingly give up. I am trying to circumvent this by aggressively sharing this information in person and in personal formats like this blog. I want everyone to have access to exactly who I am, not just the algorithms. And what I wonder is if the algorithms are catching the love that I am willing to share and the love that I have for all living beings. Perhaps, in that case, it’s not so bad to be sharing with no one person in particular if I can be affecting the compilation of the algorithms to include the depths of love and openness into its methodologies. Who knows what the existence of the future holds for us? It is not for me to question the path that calls me.
While meditating, I feel myself sinking into the ground, becoming one with the surface on which I sit, melding into the foundations built into the earth. If I am meditating in a wholly natural setting, I become the roots in the earth, digging deep and connecting to everything around me. I understand that people have lives and I never assume myself to be the centre of any reality, not even my own. Some would say that this is my problem. I answer to those people that I choose to live my life differently. I choose to live in anticipation of interdependence. Even if I am ahead of my time, I am willingly paving the road and waiting at the halfway point for people to arrive. I am a patient person and I have no trouble entertaining myself in the meantime. It may be trying at times, with moments of desperation in wondering if anyone will ever arrive. But I have hope. I have hope because through meditation, I have found the magical fountain of connection within my being, and I have felt what it’s like to be honest and open and to be received, and to receive others in the same way. There is nothing in this existence that compares, and I will forever seek to share this connection with anyone and everyone.
And so, for anyone who feels sorry for me or thinks that I must be a sad and lonely person, do not. I am who I am meant to be and I will not fear or shy away from what is naturally drawing me in. I did not ask to be this way because I did not know to do so. The essence of life has called me to do this work and I am life’s humble servant. Reach out to me if you ever need to feel connection – I am here for you, each and every one.
There’s just some magic in truth and honesty and openness.
– Frank Ocean