Day Twenty-Eight: Hopium

“Did that just happen?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
– Kenny’s wasted parents, South Park

Humans tend to assume that each new generation will have more than the previous.  We come to anticipate that our children will have more opportunities than we had.  But civilizations end up monetizing everything – food, water, air – because there isn’t enough of these things to go around, and to compensate for those who want more than they need.  Civilization is characterized by when the humans lock up the food, because when you control the food, you control the people.

When it happens that we finally learn to build ourselves from the ground up and can continue making good decisions, we may eventually dig ourselves out of the earth.  We need freedom to find happiness.  Freedom is integral to our souls’ ability to fly unencumbered.  But to have freedom, we must exercise our ability to choose.  And for everyone to be able to choose in turn, we must have respect for ourselves, and for those with whom we interact.  No one has freedom when others are locked away – this is an all or nothing game.

Hang the bankers, or at least just hang them out to dry. 

The people who are allowed to represent us on the media are of a narrowing spectrum because we are in times of crisis.  The more challenging pundits have no place on television because the human populace needs to be a really stupid and easily distracted to allow ourselves to be robbed on this scale.  Right now, we have probably have millions of people watching dancing with dogs, or some rubbish like that.  In the meantime, elites are playing rounds of golf, conducting business all day, in the privacy of an exclusive open field, with only interested [elite] parties around.

Where are we on the culture cycle?  The cycle of rebellion is not happening because the elites need people to see as little as possible right now.  There are massive frauds happening; confusion, smoke and mirrors.  I would tell you more about these things, but what would be the point when you don’t have ears to hear or eyes to see?

Pundits, comedians, artists and writers are not talking about the big issues  People would rather hear satire about day-to-day issues that we can all understand, without over-exerting ourselves through self-driven education.  As one example, the only editorial direction that one commentary show received on the BBC was that they could not mention Israel.  The Jimmy Saville scandal was also swept under the rug by this same media channel.  Is that because these issues are not important, or would it mean learning about entirely new subjects that no one in the West has had a proper foundation for in the commercial knowledge sectors?  I mean, imagine if our speculations were wrong?!

How often do you wonder about the things that you actively try not to think about?  I know that for me, I have a list of things that I don’t like to think about because I don’t want to ‘jinx’ them.  For instance, when my current legal dilemma comes to mind, I don’t want to be thinking about it because I don’t want anything bad to happen.  But why am I assuming that my only options are something bad or not thinking about it? There is a whole other option called proactivity, which means spending time researching the subject and getting to know all of the probably outcomes.  Would I be jinxing my scenario to know all of the outcomes, good or bad?  What I reckon, more and more each day, is that as long as I make the best decisions and live with as much integrity as possible, I will invite the best option as a result.  And more specifically in relation to every scenario, if I make the best choices for that scenario, based on learning and acceptance of what has already occurred, then I will be more likely to appease the energy that stands guard at the juncture at which I find myself in each dilemma, and I will welcome the best outcome. 

Growing up, I always counted my steps and had special numbers of times that I would do different things for good luck.  I felt that I could influence outcomes by making bets with myself; so if I can do this or that thing, I would get what I wanted.  I knew that it didn’t always work out, but even then, I figured that I messed something up by not picking the right things to bet on.  But truthfully, it usually worked out.  I eventually stopped this, probably around the time that I stopped living with my parents.  I think that a lot of my wishing and worrying had to do with hoping that my dad would make it home safely (never holding much hope for soberly) and that he and my mom wouldn’t fight too much.  It wasn’t even that bad compared to what other kids went to, but I guess they have me to thank because I was praying in my bed like lives depended on it, and maybe they did.  But my dad’s dead now, so did I kill him because I stopped praying?

Is it that we grow up because it’s about time, or do we grow up because we let go of hope?  And why did I let go of hope in the first place?  I was watching a ‘weather in focus’ report on CNN, which showed pictures of the current drought in Sudan, and I remembered how much news like that used to upset me when I was younger.  I would rant and rave at everyone about how much we are fucking up the world, and I guess I’m still doing that.  The only difference now is that the news doesn’t impact me anymore.  I feel empty of feeling.  It’s not because I am neutral on what is occurring in the world…. I guess I can only put it down to a lack of hope. 

I currently have blocked ears and it’s been almost a week of this torture.  Doctors and specialists have been telling my for years that my ears are wax-making machines and there is nothing I can do about it – I just need to get my ears cleaned about once a year (eww, gross, I know, but what the fuck you gonna do…).  I have been going to specialists and cleaning my ears for years, but I’ve been in the depths of the jungle for over a year now and the time has come. 

My mum and I have a bunch of family and friends staying with us right now, all of whom keep asking me about the state of my ears and giving me advice on what to do.  I don’t know how to explain to them that I have tried everything.  I have researched every alternative treatment to actually going to the hearing clinic and getting my ears professionally cleaned.  But my aunt came up to me today and went through the laundry list of suggestions that anyone who knows what the internet is can look up.  I listened, nodded my head, said I tried anything, but that I’d keep trying and hope for the best.  Then, I laughed. 

Of course I’m going to keep trying.  And to have the motivation to keep trying, I have to have hope.  Without it, I’m living aimlessly.  Without hope, we are doing things with no guidance.  Sure, someone told us something would work.  We try it, and it doesn’t solve our dilemma.  We can stop trying and achieve no solution, or we can reach inside of ourselves and dig out that irrational reserve of hope and keep pushing ourselves.  Hope is the treadmill of life: you may not be getting anywhere in the space frame, but your body, mind and spirit still go through many changes.  Maybe in hope, I won’t achieve the success of having clean ears, or living in a better world, but at least I have the motivation to continue on.  Really, what is love without hope – it is a feeling in the moment that can be gone in the next.  Would we have any commitment to love if we did not have the hope that it continues?  Would my love for my father have died along with him if I did not have hope that he is still out there, influencing my life?  Would I love this life as much as I do if I do not have hope that tomorrow will hold incredible opportunities? 

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions anymore, but I know that they are all important to ask.  I feel like tomorrow I might be closer to feeling like I have the answer.  At least I hope so, because this is a difficult state to be in, this lack of belief in hope.  It makes me feel like all of the love is gone from my life.  I can only assume that this feeling is indicative of me not taking my own advice and educating myself enough on the subjects of hope, love, and clean ears.  I will have to read some more and meditate with a fresh frame of mind.  I will do this because I am hopeful that it will help me out.


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