Day Twenty-Three: Power

“No one man should have all that power”
– Kanye West

Have you heard of the 23 enigma?  It’s the idea that big occurrences are always somehow related to the number 23.  In numerology, 23 is a hidden 5 – the number of power.  Some would say that this is an example of the mind’s ability to perceive truth in anything.  Nevertheless, the number 23 appears everywhere in pop culture.  It’s not an accident that some of the best sports players in the world wear the number 23 – they literally believe that they derive power from the number.  It is the holy 23, subject to the law of fives: that everything that happens, happens in fives, or is a multiple of five, or is somehow related to fives.  The ‘V’ sign, or “peace” sign, is another representation of the five, as the V is the roman numeral for five.

The eleventh hour is also the 23rd hour.  It is a phrase that depicts the last moment that we have to do something.  I was celibate for 11 months.  I gave it up, thinking that I was making a good, clear-headed decision.  I thought I had met a nice guy who was interested in me.  I probably did meet a nice guy, but it didn’t work out in my favour.  I’m not sure that I’ll ever be what anyone wants and I can be fine with that… as long as I don’t let that one foot in the door.  Why is it that humans want to have sex so badly?  I mean, I love it, I really do.  It is great fun and if it could just be about that, everything would be swell.  It’s just time for me to recognize that female physiology is such that it can never be just about sex.  When sex happens, feelings are initiated.  Even a bit of eye contact and flirtation gets those love hormones going and the wants and needs associated with them.

I’m in the middle of an online discussion about Ivanka Trump being shunned by vendors and I said that they chose to carry her brand originally because of her father. Now they eject her for those same reasons. I think that the obvious solution here is to not support those vendors, who clearly have no integrity whatsoever and make their choices at the whim of who lies in their biggest market.  Because we are subject to marketing techniques, we can never be free of our own opinions; we can never be free to learn new things, or explore different approaches, because it does not fit our shopping paradigm.  We will be marketed to based on what we already think, like a self-reinforcing feedback loop of wants and needs.

How can we break out of this cycle?  We have to say to ourselves: this is exactly what I want and this is exactly what I need and this is how I plan to get these things or this is how I plan to resist these things.  I didn’t have this plan.  I knew that I needed this plan, but I was happy enough in my determination to be celibate that I didn’t think that I would be subject to my whims, seeing as I had already avoided so many other circumstances.  But I didn’t anticipate putting myself in a position where I’d meet someone who I’d like to get to know more, then being flirted with, kissed and then invited back.  I never said to myself that I must say no in these circumstances.  I have chosen to be on a spiritual journey that involves self-sacrifice.  I already avoid circumstances that involve shopping or buying unnecessary “pretty” shit.  But I’m not so sure now that if I was in a mall back in North America that I could resist all temptation.

I need to spend time reflecting on what I want/need and how to get it and say no to everything else.  Rather than analyze what I’m lacking, or have too much of, for other people, I need to see what I’m lacking, or have abundantly, in my own ethic and outlook.

Last night, before being brutally rejected (lol.. perhaps a slight over-dramatization), I did a ritual for the full-moon eclipse where I wrote down all of the things in my life that I want to let go of.  I meditated on them, tore the page and burnt the slips.  And I don’t need to tell you what the things are that I want to let go of, just that the theme was negativity.  I have been weighed down by what others think of me.  It seems to be only natural for us to feel that way, although I put on a good show of being unencumbered – no house, no job, no family, no allegiances.  I overtly live my life freely in most circumstances, but covertly will harbour anxieties about what it all means to other people.

This journey is about letting my psychic ties to others be loose.  I would rather lay my life out for whoever cares to read about it than to have my thoughts rolling around in my brain, going back and forth and cycling through all of the mental obstacles that I’ve put up over the years.

This 100-day meditation journey is about letting go of the exchange of energy between me and other people.  It may sound counter-intuitive to the meditative process, but just bear with me here:  We each have our own obstacles that everything must cycle around.  When I seek to gain energy from you, I invest some of my energy into you, which you process in your own way, and then I get back something different and foreign to me.  It can be good, it can be bad, but either way, I need to process it through my own obstacle course.

Each animal carries it’s own spirit energy, which is much more pure and direct than human energy, so it is easier to know what you can expect from that exchange.

But when we can finally learn to source our need for energy from within, from that place inside us that creativity and inspiration and intuition is derived, that is when we will be free to love and appreciate all for so much more than sources of stuff that we don’t know if we want or need until we’ve already let it through the door.

When I got home last night, I laid out under the full-moon for a couple of hours, first near a river, and then in our yard, letting it’s light shine into me; letting it charge me with its glow.  I don’t really resonate with all of the terminology of the new-age movement, or many of the definitions for what this or that is supposed to mean.  I do what feels right to me, and laying out under the full-moon felt like the most peaceful and beautiful way to re-energize myself, using it’s generous source of power.  I am not afraid of the hurt.  When we are ready to accept hurt as natural, it becomes a beautiful feeling to know that we are weak and have needs.  It is a reminder that I am here, feeling and knowing things, and am free to appreciate them or reject them.  I am free to make the choice to care or not care.  I am free to feel love and hurt at the same time, in so many ways.  And I am free to take the time to process things, and to reaffirm what it is that I want and need, how to get these things, and how to reject the rest.

No one man should have all that power.  But I should have that power.  We should all have this power, and the honesty with self and truthfulness of action that will result from this power will allow us to live harmoniously.  What lays within us is a desire to find the music in life; to play the notes that everyone wants to hear; that work with the sounds already in the atmosphere.  When we resonate from within, we can tune ourselves to the resonance without.  Pain is pleasure; pleasure is pain.  It does not matter. As long as the energy resonating within us is plentiful, we can be attuned to whatever is out there.

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