Day Nineteen: Getting Ahead of Myself

Andre: Well, you know…I may be in a very emotional state right now, Wally…but since I’ve come back home I’ve just been finding the world we’re living in more and more upsetting. I mean…last week I went down to the Public Theater one afternoon, you know, when I walked in, I said hello to everybody, cause I know them all, and they all know me, they’re always very friendly. You know that seven or eight people told me how wonderful I looked? And then one person…one…a woman who runs the casting office, said, “Gee, you look horrible. Is something wrong?”

Andre: Now, she, you know, we started talking, of course, I started telling her things, and she suddenly burst into tears because an aunt of hers who’s eighty, whom she’s very fond of, went into the hospital for a cataract, which was solved, but the nurse was so sloppy, she didn’t put the bed rails up and so the aunt fell out of bed and is now a complete cripple, you know, so, you know, we were talking about hospitals. Now, you know, this woman, because of who she is, you know, cause this had happened to her very, very recently, she could see me with complete clarity.

Wally: Uh huh.

Andre: She didn’t know anything about what I’d been going through. But the other people, what they saw was this tan, or this shirt, or the fact that the shirt goes well with the tan, so they said, “Gee, you look wonderful.” Now, they’re living in an insane dreamworld. They’re not looking. That seems very strange to me.

Wally: Right. Because they just didn’t see anything, somehow, except, uh, the few little things that they wanted to see.

Andre: Yeah, you know, it’s like what happened just before my mother died. You know, we’d gone to the hospital to see my mother and…I went in to see her…and I saw this woman who looked as bad as any survivor of Auschwitz or Dachau. And I was out in the hall, sort of comforting my father, when a doctor, who was a specialist in a problem that she had with her arm, went into her room and came out just beaming. And he said, “Boy, don’t we have a lot of reason to feel great? Isn’t it wonderful how she’s coming along?”

Andre: Now, all he saw was the arm. That’s all he saw. Now, here’s another person who’s existing in a dream. Who, on top of that, is a kind of butcher, who’s committing a kind of familial murder, because when he comes out of that room, he psychically kills us by taking us into a dream world where we become confused and frightened. Cause the moment before, we saw somebody who already looked dead, and now, here comes a specialist who tells us they’re in wonderful shape. I mean, you know, they were literally driving my father crazy. I mean, you know, here’s an 82-year old man who’s very emotional, and, you know, and if you go in one moment, and you see the person’s dying, and you don’t want them to die, and then a doctor comes out five minutes later and tells you they’re in wonderful shape, I mean, you know, you can go crazy.

Wally: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Andre: I mean, the doctor didn’t see my mother. The people at the Public Theater didn’t see me, I mean, we’re just walking around in some kind of fog. I think we’re all in a trance. We’re walking around like zombies, I don’t…I don’t think we’re even aware of ourselves or our own reaction to things, we…we’re just going around all day like unconscious machines and meanwhile there’s all of this rage and worry and uneasiness just building up and building up inside us.

Wally: That’s right. It just builds up, uh…and then it just leaps out inappropriately. I mean, I remember when I was, uh, acting in this play based on “The Master and Margarita” by Bulgakov. And I was playing the part of the cat. But they had trouble, uh, making up my cat suit, so, I didn’t get it delivered to me till the night of the first performance. Particularly the head, I mean, I’d never even had a chance to try it on.

Wally: And about four of my fellow actors actually came up to me, and they said these things which I just couldn’t help thinking were attempts to destroy me, you know, one of them said, uh…”Oh, well, now that head will totally change your hearing in the performance, uh, you may hear everything completely differently, and it may be very upsetting. Now, I was once in a performance where I was wearing earmuffs and I couldn’t hear anything anybody said.” And then another one said, “Oh, you know, whenever I wear even a hat on stage…I tend to faint.”

Wally: I mean, those remarks were just full of hostility. Because, I mean, you know, if I’d listened to those people, I would have gone out there on stage, and I wouldn’t have been able to hear anything, and I would have fainted. But the hostility was completely inappropriate, because, in fact, those people liked me, I mean, that hostility was just some feeling that was…you know, left over from some previous experience. Because somehow, in our social existence today, we’re only allowed to express our feelings, uh…weirdly and indirectly. If you express them directly, everybody goes crazy.

Andre: Well, did you express your feelings about what those people said to you?

Wally: No. I mean, I didn’t even know what I felt till I thought about it later. And I mean, at the most, you know, in a situation like that, uh…even if I had known what I felt, I might say something, if I’m really annoyed, like, uh, “Oh, yeah, well…that’s just fascinating…and, uh, I probably will faint tonight, uh, just as you did.”

Andre: I do just the same thing myself. We can’t be direct, so we end up saying the weirdest things. I mean, I remember a night, it was a couple of weeks after my mother died, and I was in pretty bad shape, and I had dinner with three relatively close friends, two of whom had known my mother quite well, and all three of whom had known me for years. You know that we went through that entire evening without my being able to, for a moment, get anywhere near what, you know, not that I wanted to sit and have this dreary evening in which I was talking about all this pain that I was going through and everything, really, not at all, but…the fact that nobody could say…”Gee, what a shame about your mother.” or “How are you feeling?”

Andre: It was just as if nothing had happened. They were all making these jokes and laughing, and I got quite crazy, as a matter of fact, you know, one of these people mentioned a certain man whom I don’t like very much, and I started screeching about how he had just been found in the Bronx River, and his penis had dropped off from gonorrhea, and all kinds of insane things, and…later, when I got home, I realized I’d just been desperate to break through this ice.

Wally: Yup.

Andre: I mean, do you realize, Wally, if you brought that situation into a Tibetan home…that’d be just so far out. I mean, they wouldn’t be able to understand it. I mean, that would be simply…simply so weird, Wally. If four Tibetans came together, and tragedy had just struck one of the ones, and they spent the whole evening going “Ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho ho hee hee hee!” I mean, you know, Tibetans would have looked at that and would have thought that was the most unimaginable behavior. But for us, that’s common behavior.

Wally: Mm hmm.

Andre: I mean, really, the…the Africans would have probably put their spears into all four of us cause it would have driven them crazy, they…they would have thought we were dangerous animals or something like that, I mean…

Wally: Right.

Andre: …that’s absolutely abnormal behavior.

Waiter: Is everything all right, gentlemen?

Wally: Great.

Andre: Yeah.

 

*** End of excerpt from My Dinner With Andre ***

Balenciaga couture fashion house made a Bernie Sanders campaign merchandise-inspired men’s line for the most recent fashion week, wherever that was. This harkened back to Derelict ‘hobo chic’ from Zoolander – a movie about mind control slaves. 

Iconizing Bernie Sanders is akin to putting the liberal revolutionary movement on death row.  Sanders is already alluding to this, constantly petitioning to Americans that they need young, fresh blood leading the Democratic party (i.e. not himself).  I am doubtful that he would directly come out and discuss his mortality – it’s crass and obvious.  But oh, I guess we don’t really have a public capable of critical analysis, susceptible to age-defined language barrier tropes.  We have a public who can only communicate by regurgitating the same opinions, movie references, and hateful anti-hate rhetoric.  This public will watch their revolutionary spirit die with the changing of the laws and will create everything that they believe themselves to be fighting.  This public doesn’t like the new laws that appear to be hyper-protectionist and exclusive of marginalized persons, despite having supported the free-market system which evolved slowly but steadily to reach this juncture.  And whatever you might think about any executive orders, what you are seeing on the screen is only a smoke and mirrors show.  The real trick is happening behind the scenes, where new laws are being worked on and proposed that will pick away at the last of the public’s rights and freedoms.

Well, I’m not going to play your games, public.  You bore me and you are a psychic drain on the rest of us, with your lack of creative thought.  Get out of the city before it eats your soul completely. 

Wondering to WTF I am referring?  Here is one example: Canada has proposed a bill that will outlaw Islamophobia as hate speech, known officially as Motion 103 (1313 for the numerologists out there).  This would essentially outlaw free speech.  The public is all to happy to believe that free speech is not a God-given right and that we don’t deserve to have the freedom to say what we want because we can’t be trusted, obviously.  LOL – this is the same public quoting 1984 at DT and saying that Canadians will take all of those rejected by the US.    Canada has already banned misgendering.  Sometimes I wonder if I can be trans-racial, or trans-agist… can I be known as an 80-year old Asian man from now on?  If I say it, does it become real?  Will I know what it is like to live in that 80-year old Asian man’s body because I channel the essence of that type of human by acting it out?  And if yes, what’s the difference between that and DT pretending to be president?  Doesn’t him going through the motions mean that he really is the representative of what used to be one of the most creative and inspiring populaces in the world?  Now, that same populace is a world-wide joke.  DT is not the joke… he is the reality.  Change yourselves.  Change yourselves, people.  Become who you want to be, because other more powerful people are beating you to the punch.

Enough negativity: it’s time for some realism.  Check yourself before your wreck yourself.

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