When I think about it, I’ve been practicing a zen-like dissociation from feelings for many years. If I feel about something, like feeling affection for someone who doesn’t appear to like me, or if I didn’t finish something on time, or if I said something really super awkward…. I think about it for a bit, realize that’s how things went down because that’s the path that was chosen by all involved for a variety of reasons, and I let it go. I don’t dwell on the pain for long enough to feel sorry for myself or anyone else and I don’t let it define me or my world view.
Of course, I used to be the other way. I wasn’t born a Gun Guru human. But now, if I need to apologize to someone, I go and do that. It may be embarrassing for a time, but I think that embarrassment is easier than living with guilt. And I’ve done my fair share of dick moves. I still possess guilt for things that have long passed, but I have to let that guilt roll away from me whenever it comes to visit; that is, until the day I cross paths with those who I’ve wronged. I intend to do better next time.
Judgment teaches us to be accountable to others. Vanity will corrupt our relationships with those who judge us. Those who are vain in their nature, like celebrity presidents, are not susceptible to the power of judgment and are unlikely to feel accountable to anyone but those who cultivate their vanity. That is my worry with the now-inaugurated President of the US. He is accustomed to being in the spotlight and he drinks deeply from that well (despite being stone-cold sober at all times).
I thought yesterday’s assortment of inauguration speeches by DT were all incredibly powerful. He magnificently displayed his ability to pull on emotional heartstrings. He is an accomplished superstar already, and that has the potential to be the most significant aspect of his presidency – thinking with his vanity and taking America as his mistress.
The main thing that I picked up in his inauguration speech (which none of the CNN pundits would dare touch) was his repetition of the pledge that he will do everything for ‘the people.’ If you understand anything about American policy, you will know that corporations were declared to have equal protection under the law as do US citizens under the Fourteenth Amendment with the case Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission in 2010. If you don’t know who Duck Tales is working for, it’s business. That means corporations. That means when he says that he will do everything to protect and support the people, he means the corporations. This is not a bad thing if you believe in free-market economy and are a supported of the Chicago School of Economics.
I’m not. I’m the type of person who is happy to work part-time and not make more money than I need to get by, and instead pursue a personal interest or project of mine. I understand that there are many who would not live in the manner that I do, and you who live in the opposite way are not wrong. You are, after all, the ones who are the support for the system of the world that we have collectively created.
But I am looking for the people who love to dance at 10am, stone cold sober. And those who walk alone, singing to themselves. Or the people who are able to stay up all night speaking honestly, entirely content with nothing more or less. Or the people who are wanting to live in the free-market system and are ready to put their purchasing power to vote! (More on that tomorrow.)
I guess it’s time to admit that I have an ulterior motive for this blog: that is to try to persuade more people that the system of the world has culminated into something bad. This system has been brought about by selfish, vain energies that see only their own kind as fit to lead. I believe that humanity can do better. The world that we have created is run by people who want to do things for greedy, seedy reasons and will sacrifice far more than what I am willing to say is acceptable. (It’s ok if you feel differently.)
And the media persons who are meant to be our channel to the world leaders have sold us out in favour of the bigger contract. It couldn’t be more obvious if you listen to the mainstream channels even briefly – they are all regurgitating the same message, rotating different corporate representatives through their hot seats to give us another version of the same opinion.
Sure, there is some debate, but the key words and phrases are repeated through both party lines. “The beast.” “New Camelot.” Jackie-O and the Kennedys. Masters of branding. If you don’t believe me, watch an hour of any msm news channel. As much as any of these pundits was spewing bilious words about DT for the last year, each of them was so mild-mannered in their commentary today. It seems that the marching orders from above were enough to scare them all into good behavior. Scripted dialogue is nothing new, but shifting opinions on such a mass scale I have not seen yet. All I want to say is: distraction tactics (more on this at a later date).
As OB/GYN said in his final speech as president, we can create a real meritocracy.
Today, we prayed for the commonplace and the miraculous. We repeated the mantra: “ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” Today, we promised that we were going to be the best version of ourselves and we made peace with our enemies.
Today, we either put on a show or we were genuine in our prayers. Either way, we did the actions that were right and good and how we feel about it is up to us.
If you have ever performed on stage, you know what it means to feed off of the energy of the crowd. I don’t really know who might be reading these words, if anyone, but what I love about the Internet medium is that it is like Zen meditation: you pick a spot ahead of you to rest your gaze but you are not observing that spot. You are taking in/giving to the whole of the world if you keep things anonymous on the Internet. The problem is when people try to monetize their vanity that blogging becomes less about sharing and more about creating value out of making other people feel insecure.
As such, I intend to use this medium to practice radical honesty with whoever reads this and acceptance of whatever comes of it. I will be doing this because I love you all. And it’s not because I want anyone to feel any certain way about me (which is why I won’t be gratuitously honest, I hope). I want you to know what it is like inside another person’s head; anyone’s head. Let my voice be anonymous in your head. I want you to recognize the voices that we share in common; the voices that intersect and those that diverge from your own. Only in sharing will we realize what is essential and core to our humanity.
I’m not a person who styles my life so you will not see many pictures of me. I don’t like to wear makeup or fancy clothes for no reason and I can’t satisfy the people who expect perfection from our individual projections of self.
I am trying to cultivate a different side of my humanity: compassion. If I was to style myself as better than others in any way, how could I practice compassion with integrity?
I do recognize that it is easier to convey a message when the medium is not flawed. But it is an important part of my journey to learn to share with everyone, which is why I have given up sexual pursuits for the present time (almost 10 months now). I was finding that I was trying to win people over mainly with my sexuality, because that is what I understood best. It was only when I detached from my libidinous energy that I realized how much of a hindrance it is for me in seeking out real connections. By practicing celibacy, I can freely connect with others, honestly, without paying attention to any ulterior sexual motivations that can and do pervert what should be innocent relationships.
Somewhere, along the way, humanity began sexualizing everything publicly. I don’t know when that was, but I do know that yesterday, a US president was sworn in who freely admits to grabbing women by the pussy; who ran against a woman whose husband is a known womanizer (“still loves his bimbos”); and just three years ago, the Internet community was all laughing at ‘fuck her right in the pussy.’
My point: who cares? We are clearly all sex-obsessed. In 2016, the porn industry made $97 billion, which is apparently enough to feed 4.8 billion people every day.
The real sad part is that we lack the imagination to bust our own nut. And I was once a squirrel, just trying to catch a nut as well. It’s not easy abstaining, but it is easy being disgusted by how vilely we look at one another. I choose not to look at any of you in that way. Even if I experience the feeling momentarily, I will let it go and watch it float past me because it’s more important to me that I am free of any restrictions, to love you all and share with you all.
Today’s meditation: Zazen continued…
Meditation time: 11am EST
Yesterday’s session was difficult at the start and required a lot of shifting to get into a comfortable, relaxed but focused position. My ankle bracelet was digging into my foot. A fly was buzzing around my face. Thoughts of Duck Tales and anticipation kept entering my mind. But as I counted each breath on exhale and loosened my gaze, my thoughts of worry became easier to see for what they are, label them (worry, frustration, etc), and let them go, putting them away for a time when I can take action to amend them. I can see clearly that one of my big challenges in this life is focusing on the task at hand.
I also briefly forgot the lessons of my meditation session soon afterwards when I began yelling at the internet for cutting out. When the song I was wanting to play began, I was very grateful and realized how important it is to be thankful when things go well for us. I didn’t take the time to be grateful for my meditation session and so the peace and tranquility that I gained were lost immediately. Luckily, I regained my composure with the loving gratitude and intention to carry that with me through future challenges. It was only after this lesson that I watched today’s full inauguration proceedings and did it with a smile and gratitude.
As such, my intention for today’s meditation is to feel gratitude for what I have by letting go of what I don’t need to feel. What doesn’t serve my practice of loving gratitude is going to get labeled and put aside. Where exactly it goes, I’m not sure yet. Hopefully, we find out together. I’m not afraid, so I hope you aren’t either. Stay anonymous if you prefer. Let only our loving psychic energies connect and I will be ecstatically happy with that
“What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things that you were grateful for today?”